The Un-Titled Swan Queen Crack fic
by Long Live The Regal Potato
Summary: Regina gets bored and decides to prank call Emma. Complete and utter crack. Rated T for language. Oneshot.


**A/N: I have NO IDEA what this is. I started out going in one direction and it ended up, well, here. I feel like it's sort of all over the place, but aren't crack!fics supposed to be? I honestly don't expect ANYONE to find this funny but what can you do? **

**Un-beta'd. All mistakes are mine.**

**DISCLAIMER: I don't own OUAT or the characters. If I did Neal would be gone and Swan Queen would be canon.**

* * *

It was a long day at the Sheriff's station for Emma Swan. She was elbow deep in the piles upon piles of paperwork that Regina had sent over the day before. She was Mayor again. However _that_ happened.

Emma thought she was going to go insane if she had to sit there another minute when the phone rang.

"Oh, thank God!" maybe now she could get out of there. Even if it was just to haul in Leroy for public drunkeness for the 3rd time this month.

"Sheriff's station." she answered a little too eagerly.

"Miriam JoBeth Wortham, where the hell are you?" a woman yelled.

"I'm sorry, w-who is this?" Emma stuttered.

"Don't act like you don't know who I am you piece of shit!"

"Ma'am I think you have the wrong number. This is the Sheriff's station."

The woman scoffed "You're with her aren't you?"

"With who?"

"THE LITTLE SLUT YOU'VE BEEN SEEING BEHIND MY BACK AND DIDN'T THINK I WOULD FIND OUT ABOUT YOU MOTHERFUCKER!"

"Ma'am you have the wrong number." the woman sounded vaugely familiar to Emma but she couldn't quite place who she was.

"I do not have the wrong number asshole! This has been you're cell number for 5 years I had it memorized a long time ago." the womans voice softened "I know you're with her Miriam."

"Ma'am-" Emma started again but was cut off.

"Just tell me why. Why are you cheating on me after everything we've been though? Do you not love me anymore?" the woman sounded on the verge of tears.

Two blocks away at City Hall Regina was fighting back tears. She was trying so hard not to laugh. She had gotten bored with Mayor things and decided to screw with Miss Swan. She was surprised she hadn't recongnized her voice yet. But then again she _was_ holding a cloth over the mouthpiece of the phone to disguise her voice.

Regina heard Emma stutter on the other end of the line "I'll take your hesitance as a 'no' then." she sighed. "You know, sometime I think you only married me for my rainbow propeller beanie."

"Ma'am, I'm sorry but- you have a rainbow propeller beanie?"

"Yes, don't you remember? It was the hat I was wearing the day we met. You came up to me, flicked my propeller and said 'you know, if that thing spins fast enough you might be able to fly.' and then you asked me if you could try it on."

"That sounds really childish."

"Yes, you _are_ quite childish."

"I was talking about the hat."

Regina gasped rather dramatically "DON'T YOU INSULT THEOCRITUS!"

"You named your hat Theocritus?" Emma asked. She was just _so_ confused.

"Yes, yes, I named my hat Theocritus. I know you think it's stupid, we've been through this before, Miriam." Regina was still trying to keep her shit together. She didn't know how much longer she could make it without laughing at her own stupidity. "We had a deal remember? I got to name the hat and you got to name our pet possi, and because I know you're dumb and I know you'll ask, possi is plural for possum."

Emma realized that this woman had to be playing a prank so she decided to play along. "I'll just never understand why you insisted upon having so many possi in the house when you know I'm allergic, Susan."

Regina was taken aback "Um, what?"

"I'm allergic to possi, Susan. You knew that but you still brought 27 of them into our house."

_So she wants to play along, does she? _

"I brought 27 possi into the house in the hopes of you dying of anaphylactic shock. I figured if you died I could collect your life insurance and run away to Jamaica with your sister. "

Now it was Emma's turn to gasp rather dramatically "Jessica? She doesn't even like you!"

"Oh, on the contrary, dear. Jessica likes me. She _really_ likes me."

And that's when it hit Emma. When she heard "dear" it hit her. "Regina?"

Regina was silent.

"Hello?"

Silence.

"Regina, I know it's you."

More silence.

"I know you're still there I can hear you breathing."

That's when Regina decided to be a creeper and started breathing heavily into the phone.

"Oh, that's attractive."

"What's your favorite scary movie Miss Swan?"

Emma rolled her eyes "Really, Regina?"

"Oh, come on! Answer the question."

Emma huffed like it was the most exhaustive thing she's ever done "Fine. Um, _Mean Girls 2_. You know the one where they tried to live up to the original and failed miserably. That. Was. Terrifying. Why did you want to know?"

"Because I want to get to know the woman I'm looking at."

"What?"

"I said I want to get to know the woman I'm talking to."

"That's not what you said before. Let me guess, your favorite scary movie is _Scream_, right?"

"What is it with you and bear claws, Sheriff? Is it an obsession or an infatuation?" Regina asked, avoiding the question.

"Excuse me?"

"There's an entire box of them sitting on your desk right now. Do you _want_ to be 500 pounds?"

Unbeknownst to Emma, at some point in their conversation Regina had magicked herself a telescope and was currently staring at Emma through the Sheriff's station window.

Emma looked at the box of half-eaten bear claws on her desk and then started looking around the station thinking Regina would just pop out from behind a desk "Where are you?" she moved to the window, looking out.

"Can you see me?"

"Look, Regina, I have work to do and you're being really weird-"

"Maybe that's because _I'm not Regina._"

"Well, then who are you?"

"Someone who _really _wants to get into those skinny jeans of yours."

**30 MINUTES LATER**

Snow, finally out of her depressed emo phase, was on her way to the Sheriff's station. She'd been out of it for so long, she couldn't remember the last time she spent time alone with her daughter so she decided to bring her lunch.

Upon entering the station, Snow heard loud banging and glass breaking.

"Fuck, Regina." Emma panted.

This stopped Snow in her tracks. She stood against the wall and listened.

"Regina, I'm cold. Can you hurry it up so I can put my pants back on?" Emma asked, sounding out of breath.

Regina groaned "Fuck!"

Snow had heard enough. She marched into the station intent on breaking up this atrocity. She stopped again, and took in the sight before her.

Chairs were tipped over, Emma's "I heart Boston" mug was shattered on the floor, Emma herself was without pants, laughing as she wiped a tear from her eye and Regina was hopping around the room trying to get Emma's skinny jeans, that were currently stuck mid thigh, up around her waist. Her own pants folded neatly on the desk.

It wasn't until Regina hopped herself into the filing cabinets that she realized Snow was standing in the doorway.

"What is going on here?" Snow asked, wide eyed.

Emma tried to speak through her laughter "Regina... wanted to..."

"I've always wondered how Miss Swan managed to get herself into these incredibly tight jeans," Regina was breathing like she had just run a marathon "and I am still wondering because as you can see I can't seem to get them on."

"O...kay" shaking her head she looked to Emma "I figured I'd bring you lunch but you seem to be busy swapping pants with Regina so I'll just-"

Emma sobered at the mention of lunch.

"FOOD!" Emma ran to Snow and grabbed the Granny's bag from her hand.

"Miss Swan, you just devoured half a box of bear claws and you are _still_ hungry?" Regina asked. She had given up on trying to get Emma pants on and was currently putting her own back on.

"M aweys hunwy." Emma said through a mouthful of bacon chesseburger, spitting out chunks of food as she did so.

Regina scrunched up her nose "Well, enjoy that, Sheriff." and walked out.

Snow watched her leave. As soon as the Mayor was out the door she turned to her daughter, who was still without her pants. "You and Regina have a very weird relationship."

Emma made sure to swallow her food before speaking this time "We have a pretty weird sex life too."

Snow's eyes bugged out of her head "What?!"

Emma laughed "I'm kidding, Mom. Calm down." Snow breathed a sigh of relief "We have a normal sex life. Very active."

Suddenly Snow found herself wishing Regina had crushed her heart when she had the chance.


End file.
